Handle ‘family secrets’ with care and dignity

    The new season of the TV show “Who Do You Think You Are?” has begun on TLC, The Learning Channel. I saw on Ancestry that actress Minnie Driver will be featured. The headline they used was something about a pattern of secrecy in her family’s past. Unfortunately for most of us, that is a familiar pattern.

    Almost from the outset, especially when interviewing elderly family members, you will come across “secrets.” Sometimes these are open secrets that many family members know about but no one discusses, and sometimes they are closely guarded secrets that you may uncover only after painstaking work and many confidential discussions. We may even guess that a secret exists, but never be able to uncover it. Handling secrets carefully can be a difficult burden, we may feel “duty bound” to reveal this knowledge, but be held by our own vow to keep it a secret. In any case, we must adhere to our vow having once given or implied secrecy.
    By our very nature, genealogists are curious, so learning that a secret exists makes us keen to learn the details. Even though it may be considered “none of our business”, the keeping of family history IS our business, and we owe it to our family to handle their concerns with delicacy. As genealogists, we understand that what may be a terrible thing in one generation is rarely considered that by future generations. Often, if you can get a relative to share their concerns, and show that you understand, they will accept your request to write the information down for posterity, and sometimes even agree that it need no longer remain a secret.
    They key is your understanding. Do not dismiss his or her concerns with “Oh, nobody cares about that sort of thing anymore.” Instead, share your knowledge of history and perhaps family history and show how things change. For instance, did you know that “bundling” with a prospective marriage partner was not uncommon in what we call “Puritan” times? Early babies were not frowned upon as you might think, but promiscuity was a serious taboo. We cannot judge the actions of our ancestors by today’s standards.
    Having gained the trust of the secret holder, you then must wrestle with the best way to safeguard the information. Treat it carefully, as you promised when the secret was revealed. Perhaps you have convinced them it needn’t be a secret any longer. More likely, you can record it for posterity but not share it with other family members. If this is the case, you need to agree with the secret holder how it will be handled when you pass the family history on.
    If you continue your contacts with dignity and trust then most likely you will be allowed greater freedom. But if the secret is never to be shared, respect that, too. Remember that without your patient digging, you would never have known either. This will not be the last secret lost to time in your family, or anyone else’s history. Rest easy, and share what can be shared.
    Nina G. Brawn has lived in the Dover-Foxcroft area for over 50 years and currently lives there with her husband Fred. Nina was the last of 10 children, has three children of her own and nine grandchildren. She can be reached online at ninagbrawn@gmail.com.