The commencement speech I’d like to give

By Mike Lange
Staff Writer

    ‘Tis the season for high school graduations, testimonials and mundane speeches.
    In fact, I’m attending my grandson’s commencement in San Francisco this week.
    I haven’t been to San Francisco since the 1960s. I’m sure the Golden Gate Bridge hasn’t changed, but I imagine the rest of the city has.

    One thing that seems to remain constant over the years, however, is the high school commencement speech. No matter who gives it, you can be assured that it will be sprinkled with stock phrases and slogans.
    While we’re light years ahead in technology since the 1960s, we haven’t updated our message to graduating seniors since Richard Nixon debated John F. Kennedy.
    So without further ado, here’s the commencement speech I’d like to give someday.
    “I’m delighted to see so many smiling faces out there, considering that its 85 degrees in here and you’re stuck wearing long-sleeved gowns and mortarboards.
    “Some of you look lost because you were warned not to bring your smartphone to the ceremony.  I can assure you that it’s humanly possible to go at least 30 minutes without sending a text message or checking your Facebook wall.
    “You’re probably expecting me to give you some advice as you depart for the real world.  But my relatives tried it on me and it didn’t work.
    “You see, even back in the Stone Age days of my high school years, I thought I knew everything at 16. I didn’t. In fact, even today, I’m still learning. That’s the amazing part of the human mind: it’s always developing.
    “What I would like you to do, however, is start communicating. I don’t mean by text, email, Twitter or Facebook — but by human contact and conversation.
    “When I see a group your age during study halls or recess pounding away on your smartphones or iPads, I shudder to think how you’re going to act in your first job interview. Sorry, there’s no app for that.
    “You may have been a top 10 student at this school, but it matters very little when you’re competing with 25 others for one job opening. Eye contact, appearance and conversation mean as much as an impressive resume.
    “Effective communication also means avoiding meaningless phrases. Some of my least-favorites include: ‘I can’t wrap my head around this,’ ‘Think outside the box,’ ‘Going forward’ and ‘It is what it is.’ Somehow, we can do better.
    “After you receive your diplomas today, you’ll probably be heading for work, college or the military. Some of you may still be undecided about what you want to do for a living.
    “There’s nothing wrong with that. I’ve changed careers at least five times. I’ve been a factory worker, delivery driver, auto parts counterman, route salesman and program director for a radio station. Somehow, I keep returning to the newspaper business.
    “To me, the best satisfaction in life comes at the end of the day when you can honestly say ‘I did my best’ whether it’s stocking shelves at Carquest or writing a feature story.
    “So I’ll just leave you with this thought, courtesy of actress Sandra Bullock who addressed graduates at a New Orleans high school last week: ‘Nothing is a failure. It’s just not supposed to work out that way because something better is supposed to come along.’ ”
    “Congratulations. You are now five minutes closer to getting out of those gowns.”
    Mike Lange is a staff writer with the Piscataquis Observer. His opinions are his own and don’t necessarily reflect those of this newspaper.