Sometimes giving of your time is the best gift

By Lesley Fernow

    Being able to live long enough to grow old is considered in most societies to be a blessing. Elders are revered in many cultures and old age is often wished for. But in my house call practice I see people who as they age have increasing difficulties and sometimes they do not see aging as a positive experience.

    Holiday time can be very hard as people grow older. For some, it brings memories of former holidays when the family was young and they were more vigorous. For some it is a reminder of lost loved ones or friends without whom holidays are sad or empty. And for many, it is a time of great stress due to having to cope with a family member who is developing dementia.
    Last week there was a wonderful article on giving to seniors. This column is about gifts for caregivers.
    For a caregiver of a person with dementia holidays can be dreadful. The loved one may not know what Christmas is any more, or may be socially inappropriate or incontinent so that taking him/her out is impossible. The caregiver may feel embarrassed to go to parties where their loved one (usually a spouse) sits with a blank stare looking bewildered while everyone graciously pretends not to notice. Going out to eat may be out of the question because the patient may need a bib, drool or have to be fed. And who are you going to find willing to sit with your spouse while you go to lunch with friends, or to church, or shopping? Who will listen to you share your grief at the loss of companionship from your loved one at this time of year?
    Everyone is supposed to be full of cheery greetings, be jolly and generous with baked goods and laughter. But a full-time caregiver for a person with dementia is too exhausted to look forward to any of this. They are giving their loved one the full-time gift of being cared for at home. There may be no energy left to perform these rituals of our society.
    So, I am asking each person reading this to make a promise to look at the people in your life who might be in this situation and give a real gift. Stuff may not be what they need. Just spend time with them in intelligent conversation (perhaps about something other than illness, or perhaps about their sadness — be prepared for either). Or ask them if they could use a few hours out without worrying about their family member. Or offer to sit with the ill person while the caregiver gets out alone or with friends, unencumbered. That will be a wonderful gift. And then, when you feel really good about it, do it again next month. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
    We invite readers to offer feedback about this column and to suggest topics for future articles. You may do so by contacting Meg Callaway of the Charlotte White Center at (207) 947-1410 and mcallaway@charlottewhite.org or Lesley Fernow at (207) 992-6822 and lmfernow@rcn.com.