Children’s Grief Awareness Day teaches us to listen

By Erin Callaway, CT

    Thursday, Nov. 21 is Children’s Grief Awareness Day, a day of observance created by the Highmark Caring Foundation in Pennsylvania to remind adults that children of all ages, everywhere, face loss every day.
    The tragic deaths this year of three beloved kids in our community — Aliza Jean Herrick Stutzman, Dacano Arno and most recently Ella Belle Hope Dulac — underscore this sad reality. They also serve to remind us how much grieving children need our support.

    One way adults can support grieving children is simply to listen intently, without judging or questioning. All of us, especially grieving kids, need to be heard.
    Children aren’t likely to pull up a chair and talk about their feelings. If they are really young, they might not even know what “grief” means. But if we give them permission to share their feelings on other occasions, we let them know that it’s okay to share the wide range of feelings they may have when someone dies.
    The key is to let kids express grief in their own way, on their own terms, and in their own time frame. The challenge for caregivers is that children are likely to experience strong feelings when we least expect them to, like in the middle of a game. Conversely, they may carry on happily, playing outside during visiting hours at the funeral home.
    My good friend Cynthia, who brought her therapy dog Barkley to Ella’s elementary school to help the children there, experienced first hand the way kids faced with loss often behave.
    No sooner had the children settled into the library, where Barkley and Cynthia were waiting for them, when a little girl snuggled up to Cynthia and announced some very exciting news.
    “I learned how to tie my shoes!” she said, clearly delighted by her accomplishment. Cynthia looked at the girl and asked when she had learned her wonderful new skill.
    “This week,” the girl beamed.
    Cynthia thanked her for sharing, and asked if she had anything more to say. She didn’t. During the rest of the visit, the kids talked about how they help take care of their own pets and what a dog’s ear looks like when it’s infected. Barkley and Cynthia led a parade through the library.
    I asked Cynthia if any of the kids had mentioned Ella’s death. Her answer, after a pause: “No. Not one.”
    We both knew that was perfectly okay.
    The little girl learned what it feels like to have someone listen when you have something important to say. When she has a feeling about Ella, she will know that it’s okay to share that, too.
    More children than you can imagine are dealing with loss right now, and need someone to listen. According to the Children’s Grief Awareness Day website, one in 20 children will experience the death of a parent before they graduate from high school. Others will see grandparents, siblings, friends, beloved teachers, pets and other important people in their lives die. Many more children will experience loss when Mom and Dad get divorced, a military parent is deployed, the family moves to a new city, or a special stuffed animal burns in a house fire.
    As adults, we have the simple but critical job of remembering that kids don’t necessarily wear their grief on their sleeves. Whether a child needs to cry about a classmate’s death or spout glee over a success like tying her shoes, it’s important that we listen, and let her know that sharing feelings is okay. That’s the best support you can give any child.
    Having a Barkley by your side doesn’t hurt either.
    Certified in Thanatology by the Association of Death Education and Counseling (ADEC), Callaway helped to create Evergreen: The Pine Tree Hospice Center for Grieving Children and Adults in Dover-Foxcroft. She is the author of “Let’s Stick Pencils Up Our Noses,” a 24-page children’s book about grief for ages 4-8, published by Four Square Press of Swampscott, Mass.